Are you considering a polyamorous relationship?
What about a consensually non-monogamous relationship?
Did you know that one in five Americans has tried a consensual non-monogamous relationship? That means one in 20 is in one right now.
Extensive research shows that these individuals are experiencing fulfilling, emotionally intimate and supportive relationships. However, every type of relationship comes with its own challenges. Before you decide if a polyamorous or consensual non-monogamous relationship is right for you, let’s first explore their many facets, how they fit with your values, and what is important to you.
Consensual non-monogamous relationships can be sexual, romantic, intimate, emotional, purely friendship-based, or some or all of these. People who choose polyamory most commonly see it as an opportunity for personal, emotional, and/or sexual growth, and also for creating a community or deepen their own connection through new and fun experiences. Polyamory specifically is the practice of having multiple loving partnerships with everyone having full knowledge and consent of all involved.
Before diving into any type of non-monogamous relationship, thoroughly assess it to determine if this is right for you, as an individual or as a couple. Honesty, openness and trust are the keys to success in these relationships.
Ask yourself:
- What type of relationship am I looking for?
- What do I want from this experience?
- Do I have the emotional bandwidth to support multiple partners?
- If I have a partner, how will I feel about my partner being with someone else?
If you feel you are ready to take the next step in exploring consensual non-monogamies with your partner or for yourself, keep in mind the following:
- Communicate and keep communicating. Do not assume the other person is on your wavelength. Conversations between partners can be misunderstood, and then resentment builds.That is why clear and transparent conversations are so critical.
- Remember: hearing and understanding are different. Really understanding another person requires curiosity, patience, safety, empathy, and vulnerability in how and what you are communicating. Make sure you are listening and understanding each other.
- How do you feel about yourself, your current relationship, your emotional needs, and if you are prepared to add more partners? In close relationships people usually hope to feel seen, cherished, appreciated, and cared for. If you think trying non-monogamy will help your troubled relationship and bring you closer together, this is not a good strategy to bring more people into an already struggling relationship.
- Set up clearly defined boundaries that feel right for you and your partners. Make sure you establish conflict resolution strategies that foster trust and relationship satisfaction.
- Talk about jealousy, envy, insecurities and resentment. While completely normal, these feelings need to be addressed otherwise it will cause a ripple effect in the delicate balance of your relationship ecosystem. How will you manage these feelings?
- Discuss the complexities of the relationships and how you will handle them – children, finances, safe sex, having alone time, managing your partner time – vacations, weekends, birthdays, seeing your partner fall in love – keep the conversations open and flowing continuously.
- Don’t ask, don’t tell is a philosophy that can make room for dishonesty and insecurity.
- Allow time and patience for this transition so all parties can feel comfortable. Understand you will uncover new boundaries you had not considered and sometimes it will be challenging.
Only you can decide if consensually non-monogamous relationships are right for you. While it might be enticing to just jump in, it is more beneficial to understand your feelings and take time to explore beforehand.
If you think this relationship is for you, remember to support and respect your partners, continue check-ins regarding your own feelings and needs, and communicate, communicate, communicate.
